How to Let Go of Someone You Still Love

My husband and I divorced several years ago. He’s moved on and found someone else but I’m still in love with him and can’t seem to move on. How do I let go of someone I still love?

Let me start by saying something that probably sounds jarring at first but should make sense on reflection:

You can love two people at once.

If your spouse or partner passed away and you remarried, does getting remarried mean you can’t love the spouse who passed away any more? Of course not. When you lose someone—via death, divorce, or anything else—you can go on loving them and someone else. You might even find yourself in love with more than two people.

I say this because I think it’s unwise to let your feelings determine how you choose to behave. In this case, still feeling in love with your ex-husband doesn’t mean you can’t move on and start seeing other people, for example. Again, anyone who’s lost a spouse to death and then chosen to remarry has done this exact thing.

Feeling in love is not something you can let go of because your feelings are not under your control.

You can only choose to let go of things you can control, your behaviors and your attention. You can choose to start dating someone else or minimize communication with your former husband. In time, both of those may lead to a lessening of your feelings for him. Similarly, you can choose not to dwell on or ruminate about your ex-husband, and in time, this might lead to feeling less attached to him.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this:

It’s okay that you’re still in love with your ex-husband.

You may always be to some extent. That may be difficult but it’s not abnormal or wrong. And it shouldn’t deter you from continuing to live your life, including moving on and finding love with another partner if that’s what you want.